In 72 hours…

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After quitting my job 3 weeks ago I finally got the call I wanted. I was so happy to hear Rebecca offer me this job. This job is a career move, salary with benefits. I knew I had it though. I took a leap of faith many people wouldn’t dare take without causing an uproar. I kept my head held high and stood behind my action. I chose quit. I chose to move ahead. I never applied for a job beneath me. Once I quit I told myself I can’t move laterally and when my next job comes it will be a career move. I accomplished both goals in less than a month.

My stepping stone was Refuge. I am thankful for working at Refuge and the experience it gave me. I am now able to decipher the differences between a professional non profit work environment and an amateur non profit.

I’m so happy. *cue “Happy” by Pharrell Williams* I wake up smiling. I go to sleep smiling. I want to share my positive energy with everyone around me. Everything is aligning in my favor. I’m blessed. I’ve been down in the dumps for too long. I know the “struggle is real”. I refuse to be a part of that struggle anymore.

I’m soooooo good =)

You thought I was playing?! (job chronicles)

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Guess who has two thumbs and no job? Yeaah this girl. I quit my job almost two weeks ago. Say What? Yeah I told them I quit and haven’t looked back since. And because everyone is asking the same questions I thought I’d post them here and refer everyone to my blog.

“Why did you quit?” BECAUSE I HATED THAT PLACE AND I WAS GETTING MENTALLY FUCKED! HONESTLY, I GOT PROMOTED AND DEMOTED AT THE SAME TIME. I WAS DOING TWO JOB, ONE OF A MAID THE OTHER OF A MANAGER, AND NOT GETTING PROPERLY COMPENSATED.

“Are you serious?” YES, WHEN I MAKE UP MY MIND YOU CAN’T CHANGE IT.

“What happened?” WHAT HASN’T HAPPENED? LET’S JUST START WITH THEY MISTREAT THE KIDS AND EMPLOYEES. I INFORMED LICENSING OF THE MISTREATMENT AND THE OWNER.

“How are you going to pay your bills?” DON’T WORRY ABOUT MY FINANCES.

“Wait you’re kidding right? You’re just on vacation” YEAH A MENTAL VACATION.

“Was it the kids?” TO AN EXTENT, BUT IT WAS MAINLY THOSE LYING ASS ADULTS. THE KIDS CAN’T BE HELPED IF THEY STAY AT THAT GROUP HOME.

“What are you going to do now?” YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

I was working at a place that was making me go insane. I had to speak to a therapist on a few occasions because of the stress and shenanigans. I’m so happy to be “free”. I know its a difficult time to be unemployed, but I swear I’d do it again. I just can’t work for a place that has no growth or potential to do better. That place was an ethical nightmare and if you don’t believer me check this link out.

And with that I’m out.
@MaryJosephJr

I can’t delete

I can’t delete the images of today.

Today might’ve been the most emotionally draining day at work ever. I watched a 16 year old girl with severe depression slice her arm and bleed like a faucet. I’ve never witnessed anything like this. I still don’t know how to interpret my emotions. I’ve been fighting tears since 3pm. I went to drink my pain away hoping that coping mechanism would help. It didn’t. She triggered me. She made me recall my mother’s last hours in the hospital. I was helpless then and helpless now.

I absolutely hate going to bed with this still fresh on my brain. I’m drained. I’m weak. I can’t even finish this blog how I wanted to. Just know you never know anyone else’s struggles. I’m glad this girl didn’t take her life.

@MaryJosephJr

Goodnight Ms. Chocolate

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The latest contestant on “Who wants to date this girl?” is losing. Unfortunately, this guy really has his shit together. He’s a teacher, pledged Sigma, owns a car, and lives in a highly respected area. What could be so wrong with him? Well, let me tell you!

In the several conversations we’ve had I have learned the following about this fella:
1. He’s a narcissist.
2. He gives out too many back handed compliments. i.e. You must be smiling when you think about me because your smile is too beautiful to waste on someone else.
3. Because he’s a narcissist he won’t let me get a word in edge wise. WTF?!? This lady likes to talk too!!
4. He has an air about him that is superficial.
5. Every point I made led back to him being narcissistic.
Out of all those 5 things he does the worst is that he calls me Ms. Chocolate.

I really can’t stand a guy who creates a nickname out of my skin tone. I already have the stigma of being a black woman of darker complexion. Every chance you get you want to call me Ms. Chocolate. Get THE ENTIRE FUCK OUT OF HERE! It’s not that you don’t remember my name, you have said it. It’s not that I haven’t told you to please call me by my name because I have. You have continuously chosen not to, therefore I am done with that ass!

Back to the drawing board I go. Option B is still on the table, and I have to keep that in mind. For some strange reason I thought incorporating a new guy to the dating circus of a love life I have would be great. However, its just another name I have to remember, story I have to recall, and number I’ll eventually delete.

Please don’t associate me with a cocoa bean!
Mary Joseph Jr.

The Dating Game: Halitosis and That Good Ole D

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In the dating world a weekend can be a huge game changer. This weekend was full of men and mayhem and I enjoyed every minute of it!

So, Option B must stand for bad breath. I invited him out to a friend’s birthday shindig. BAD MOVE!! OMG he must’ve eaten the ovaries of a dead alley cat. He spoke and my nose closed. I’ve never smelled a scent so rancid. I couldn’t even continue to talk or sit next to him. Not only was his breath on shit mode he also sat in a daze the whole night. I don’t like a man who can’t socialize when we’re out and about. That’s a big turn off. The first time he met my friends I expected him to be a little reserved; but damn it he’s met them several times Friday was the night to OPEN up! And he didn’t -__- I was so irritated that I faked being drunk in order to get away from him. I know he’s “that guy” on paper, but in reality he’s not going to complete me.

Then here comes Saturday. Option A hits me up which I knew he would. He invited me over for dinner and I brought movies. We laughed, we ate, we watched movies, he went to sleep, and I walked towards the door. Somehow this foolio heard me walking to the door, woke up, and asked if I was staying over. ;) ha I guess a girl can’t let THAT good ole D go just quite yet. lolol This guy, option A umm.. He uh I uh.. We ain’t shit. We have a solid friendship built over the course of 6+ years. Will it ever really be our time to make it last forever? I don’t know. I do know I had fun with the fella.

My dating life is full of shenanigans. At least my weekend wasn’t dull.

Mary Joseph Jr.

The Dating Game: Twice As Nice

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Here I can officially say I was dating two people simultaneously. YAY! Last night was so draining. So we had “the talk” again and by we I mean option A at 8pm and option B at 8:45pm. By the time I got off the phone with A I was holding back tears. When B called I was slinging snot. They had my head spinning.

A says “It’s just a hunch. I know what we could be and I know how we feel about each other. I love you but… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be your drug” WTF?!?!?!?!?

I reply “Well if you love someone don’t you want to be with them?”

Then I start talking to myself on the phone with him.

“This motherf*(&&”
“Really? Why would you say that to me. That’s okay. I got a nice guy waiting on me”

That conversation hit me harder then a brick to the face.

45ish minutes later

B tells me ” I want to love you and cherish you. Everything you want I want to be that for you.””

I couldn’t even say anything. I sniffled. I hung up on him. I called him back. We talked until I went to sleep.

Can you guess which one was getting the cookie? Yeah NOT B. Not the nice guy. Fucking vagina never listens to me. Between the two of them I got fully satisfied. However, I know its getting time to settle down.

A doesn’t want it. So snip snip he’s cut off! As much as I’d rather be with him I know he isn’t worth it. B has been working hard this past autumn/winter. He’s been waiting patiently and dealing with my bullS***. He’s the type to marry a woman. WINNING!

The dating game is no joke. I’ve learned too much about men and possibly not enough about myself. I actually felt like a man st one point during this dating season. Picking, choosing, lying, and making sure the right one stayed in their place. Ha I’ve learned the game. I know what to say to the right person at the perfect time. How else could I balance two men without giving both of them the cookie? I would’ve been a mack if neither touched it, but damnit I got needs!

Let’s see where option B takes me this next month. If we don’t end up where I want to be then C, D, and E will come into play.

xo
Mary Joseph Jr.

The Dating Game: Mentally Disoriented Women

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Why won’t this woman accept love? Why doesn’t she feel she deserves it? Talking to Malik today he made it very clear that I am very “hot and cold”. Apparently I was very angry last night and asked him to stop communicating with me everyday and blah blah blah. Yeah I got pissed, but wrongfully directed my anger towards him.

Is my mind really not able to accept a Good man? He wants to support me during the holidays which I told him I hate. He wants to make me happy he said. I couldn’t even respond. All I kept thinking was he must be a nutcase to want to deal with me. For a very long time I thought the reason I could never move on was because Justin was my “one”. However, now I’m not so sure. The gestures Malik makes are incomparable to any other man I’ve ever dealt with. He seems genuine. Our dating reminds me so much of my mother and father. He’s the kind fella who wants to make this woman happy. I’m the bitchy kinda crazy guarded woman who wants to be happy.

Every other day I am confused about what I should do with him. Should I be talking to him so frequently? Should I see him more? Am I really ready to do that sort of thing? If I spend the night at his house will my panties come down? lol Should he have met my sister and close friend? FML The over-analyzing mentally disoriented dating woman. The questions never cease. The confusion only builds.

Dating is so hard. Dating is even harder when your mind plays the fuckaround game. My heart knows something my mind doesn’t want to accept.

mary joseph jr.

Torn, Guarded, Private, & Hurt

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We went to see the Warriors play. I received flowers. We talked for hours after and are currently texting each other at damn near 3 am. This is refreshing. This is new. The compliments, the questions shit its all overwhelming. The kiss is what really set me off into this frenzy. The kiss wasn’t even a real kiss. It triggered all types of emotions.

In less than a month I’ve met a new guy. Why is it still so hard for me to let my guard down? Why do I still feel some type of attachment to Justin? As I cry typing this I realize that I’ll never get my happy ending because I’ll block my own blessings. This guy likes me. I might like him too. My heartaches for him because I am in love with someone else. Tonight we tried to kiss. I felt bad. I started tearing up. I jerked back. I froze. I told him to stop. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy that moment. It’s so fucked up because I know Justin probably wouldn’t freeze up, or back out because of feelings he may have for me.

This man, Malik could be what I need since no one else is stepping up. I’m afraid to open up so he called me guarded and private. He told me he wouldn’t hurt me but I can’t believe him. The only two men I ever gave me heart to tore it apart. I’m still putting all the pieces together. I’m still comprehending the fact Justin and I won’t be together again. I’m still hurting from that. I lost a really good friend. No one truly understands that. I saw so much with him but apparently it was all one sided. Or just a figment of my imagination. He was my ideal man on paper.

Malik is an honest to GOD nice man. He’s open and forward. I’m closed and backward. Am I really able to accept someone like that when I still have this fucked up feelings towards my ex? I want him to get me at my best. If he is the next guy I want him to be the last. Whoever the next guy is will have to be. I’m not having sex until I’m in a committed relationship with someone. I’m a work in progress. I just don’t want to miss out on that man while I’m in progress. Tonight was just an emotional night. I mourned my ex. I missed him. I wanted him to chose me. He never chose me. So tonight I chose me.

I wish my day didn’t end like this because it started great. I guess my week had to end as emotional as it started.

Mary Joseph Jr.

Nobody’s Business: Wreckless Love

I woke up hearing two songs play in my head, Wreckless Love by Alicia Keys and Nobody’s Business by Rihanna and Chris Brown. I have been on some type of emotional ride lately. In one corner I have the an who is indecisive about my role in his life in the other corner I have a guy who is starting to deeply like me. Oh and in a third corner I have random guys I have befriended, but don’t see anything sparking between us.

The man who is indecisive about my role will probably never choose me. He will always have some excuse as to why he can’t get it together. I told him yesterday that he needs to make a decision because I’m tired of doing it. I want someone to want me how I want them. I just don’t have time to play those fucking games anymore.

To the fella who is developing feelings. -__- I don’t feel the same. I know its because I’ve put my emotions into the other guy. So yeah there goes that. On paper he would be THAT guy, but the attraction on my end doesn’t exist. I could probably grow to like him. I could probably fall hard for him. I guess I just don’t want to. I can’t even type anything else about this situation.

What I want is the mate who will become my husband and father to my children. What I need is my own family. After a year of dealing with my immediate family I’ve come to realize I’m ready to start my own. I’m ready to dedicate myself to someone. I’m ready to raise a little person.

UGHUHUH
mary joseph jr

Oh Kay!

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Well, well, well. CLARITY! After experiencing a demeaning conversation with my ex I had a fantastic date with Kay. I was going to flake on this man because the words of another destroyed me. I was going to close up because I couldn’t take any more humiliation. I must say not listening to my inner thoughts worked this past weekend.

I was told he wasn’t in love with me at one point during our relationship and questioned if I had some female’s shirt. Who does that shit? They guy who unintentionally breaks me down. The guy who I thought was going to be my eternity. They guy who doesn’t see a future with me. After I cried my entire brain out I showered and press the restart button.

Kay is sweet. He’s the total opposite of what I’m attracted to. Kay didn’t make me feel belittled. Kay made me laugh. It was refreshing to know that someone wants to get to know me with no strings attached. He’s cool. Is he the end all be all? No. He might be if I don’t shut down and open him up. However, how can I do that when the ex stays in my system? All I can do is try. What harm will that do me?

I’ll never love a man more than he loves me. I’ll never jump over the fence and to the moon for a man who won’t appreciate it. Timing is everything. If I’m an option then I can’t be with you. If you’re confused as to whether we should be together then I can’t be with you. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I hoped for something I knew was out of reach.

I’ll try something different for a while. Being nice doesn’t work.

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