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I swear my life is a fucking horror/comedy/musical. How many times in one week can a person just receive terrible news? After an idiotic possible ex friend asked if I was contagious, I thought the worse had come. I was wrong. While I was having dinner with someone I was once in love with, he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he impregnated someone late 2010/early2011. He also told me he considered keeping this child with the woman. He also informed me that I knew her. He just shattered any and every thought of him and I.

I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve never been able to understand why I’m attracted to wrong doing men. I’m so unhappy. I either don’t sleep, don’t eat, or over sleep and over eat. Last night when I finally slept, I had a crazy ass dream. He got shot in his lower abdominal by his friend at a gas station. I was the only person calling his family and 911. I was the one at the hospital by his side holding his hand. Why?. Now my translation of that dream is he’ll need me before I need him.

I’m predestined to be the cat lady. Ya know that woman who never found love and happiness until she bought a Siamese cat. YUP! that’s me!  I have more important things to worry about. My biopsy is on next Wednesday. I’ve never had any type of surgery or procedure so I’m shitting bricks. I’m probably about to get denied unemployment which I hate I had to file. I want to block and tune everyone out. And he really was an important factor in my life. I guess I was always looking for that one bit of information that would show me why I shouldn’t be with him. Even though what happened was in the past its the fact that he considered having a child with this woman. GTFOH

I’m falling out of love with him and slowly falling back in love with me. If I don’t start taking care of my well being, no one else will. My sanity is too important to lose right now. Ya know what… I think I’ve already lost it. I’m a fucking      time bomb. One more lie, truth, test, friend, family member that isn’t for my best interest and I’m going to explode.

Mary Joseph Jr.

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