I’ve been feeling overwhelmed this week. I have been having my doubts about everything. It’s been tears before bed, waking up crying, tears in the shower, and this rain isn’t helping my emotions! I want to know that I’m doing everything right. I want to know I’m on the right track. I want become my own woman without any judgement. I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m living my life. I want my opinions to really matter. I need to move far away.
My mom is sick. Not the flu, but 12 pills a day, a shot once a week, blood work every few weeks, DR visit once a month. YES, this shit is bad. She has good days and terrible days. Monday was the worst day EVER!! She straight up said “I don’t think I’m going to make it this year”. HOW in the hell does one react to that? I couldn’t I told my father, and tried to brush it off. I couldn’t. Then when I told her about my interview for this great position she pretty much told me she doesn’t want me working a full time job again. WTF?!!!?!?! Yes, I enjoy what I’m currently doing, but would I like a little more stability? Yup. Who wouldn’t?
I feel like a part time care taker, full time business owner, and a lost soul. My spirit is really weakening each day. What I thought I could take on, I might not be able to. I’ve prayed, read the bible, talked to a friend, and still feel lost. Oh and two cousins died within a two week time frame. I’m drained. I’m spiritually drained. I don’t want to REBEL, but I can feel its coming. This fake ass smile is cracking. These eyes are glazed over. This soul is numb.
My ambition, drive, and determination are being tested. Do I have it in me? Can I achieve anything? I don’t know. I need some quicker, faster, instant results. I really dislike this day and age we live in because the instant gratification mindset come into play daily. I need to get back to writing. Fuck everything else, my mind needs to flow creatively. I need to just hit a piece of paper with a pen. My imagination needs to run wild for the day.
Mary Joseph Jr