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We went to see the Warriors play. I received flowers. We talked for hours after and are currently texting each other at damn near 3 am. This is refreshing. This is new. The compliments, the questions shit its all overwhelming. The kiss is what really set me off into this frenzy. The kiss wasn’t even a real kiss. It triggered all types of emotions.

In less than a month I’ve met a new guy. Why is it still so hard for me to let my guard down? Why do I still feel some type of attachment to Justin? As I cry typing this I realize that I’ll never get my happy ending because I’ll block my own blessings. This guy likes me. I might like him too. My heartaches for him because I am in love with someone else. Tonight we tried to kiss. I felt bad. I started tearing up. I jerked back. I froze. I told him to stop. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy that moment. It’s so fucked up because I know Justin probably wouldn’t freeze up, or back out because of feelings he may have for me.

This man, Malik could be what I need since no one else is stepping up. I’m afraid to open up so he called me guarded and private. He told me he wouldn’t hurt me but I can’t believe him. The only two men I ever gave me heart to tore it apart. I’m still putting all the pieces together. I’m still comprehending the fact Justin and I won’t be together again. I’m still hurting from that. I lost a really good friend. No one truly understands that. I saw so much with him but apparently it was all one sided. Or just a figment of my imagination. He was my ideal man on paper.

Malik is an honest to GOD nice man. He’s open and forward. I’m closed and backward. Am I really able to accept someone like that when I still have this fucked up feelings towards my ex? I want him to get me at my best. If he is the next guy I want him to be the last. Whoever the next guy is will have to be. I’m not having sex until I’m in a committed relationship with someone. I’m a work in progress. I just don’t want to miss out on that man while I’m in progress. Tonight was just an emotional night. I mourned my ex. I missed him. I wanted him to chose me. He never chose me. So tonight I chose me.

I wish my day didn’t end like this because it started great. I guess my week had to end as emotional as it started.

Mary Joseph Jr.