Torn, Guarded, Private, & Hurt

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We went to see the Warriors play. I received flowers. We talked for hours after and are currently texting each other at damn near 3 am. This is refreshing. This is new. The compliments, the questions shit its all overwhelming. The kiss is what really set me off into this frenzy. The kiss wasn’t even a real kiss. It triggered all types of emotions.

In less than a month I’ve met a new guy. Why is it still so hard for me to let my guard down? Why do I still feel some type of attachment to Justin? As I cry typing this I realize that I’ll never get my happy ending because I’ll block my own blessings. This guy likes me. I might like him too. My heartaches for him because I am in love with someone else. Tonight we tried to kiss. I felt bad. I started tearing up. I jerked back. I froze. I told him to stop. I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy that moment. It’s so fucked up because I know Justin probably wouldn’t freeze up, or back out because of feelings he may have for me.

This man, Malik could be what I need since no one else is stepping up. I’m afraid to open up so he called me guarded and private. He told me he wouldn’t hurt me but I can’t believe him. The only two men I ever gave me heart to tore it apart. I’m still putting all the pieces together. I’m still comprehending the fact Justin and I won’t be together again. I’m still hurting from that. I lost a really good friend. No one truly understands that. I saw so much with him but apparently it was all one sided. Or just a figment of my imagination. He was my ideal man on paper.

Malik is an honest to GOD nice man. He’s open and forward. I’m closed and backward. Am I really able to accept someone like that when I still have this fucked up feelings towards my ex? I want him to get me at my best. If he is the next guy I want him to be the last. Whoever the next guy is will have to be. I’m not having sex until I’m in a committed relationship with someone. I’m a work in progress. I just don’t want to miss out on that man while I’m in progress. Tonight was just an emotional night. I mourned my ex. I missed him. I wanted him to chose me. He never chose me. So tonight I chose me.

I wish my day didn’t end like this because it started great. I guess my week had to end as emotional as it started.

Mary Joseph Jr.

Nobody’s Business: Wreckless Love

I woke up hearing two songs play in my head, Wreckless Love by Alicia Keys and Nobody’s Business by Rihanna and Chris Brown. I have been on some type of emotional ride lately. In one corner I have the an who is indecisive about my role in his life in the other corner I have a guy who is starting to deeply like me. Oh and in a third corner I have random guys I have befriended, but don’t see anything sparking between us.

The man who is indecisive about my role will probably never choose me. He will always have some excuse as to why he can’t get it together. I told him yesterday that he needs to make a decision because I’m tired of doing it. I want someone to want me how I want them. I just don’t have time to play those fucking games anymore.

To the fella who is developing feelings. -__- I don’t feel the same. I know its because I’ve put my emotions into the other guy. So yeah there goes that. On paper he would be THAT guy, but the attraction on my end doesn’t exist. I could probably grow to like him. I could probably fall hard for him. I guess I just don’t want to. I can’t even type anything else about this situation.

What I want is the mate who will become my husband and father to my children. What I need is my own family. After a year of dealing with my immediate family I’ve come to realize I’m ready to start my own. I’m ready to dedicate myself to someone. I’m ready to raise a little person.

UGHUHUH
mary joseph jr

Oh Kay!

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Well, well, well. CLARITY! After experiencing a demeaning conversation with my ex I had a fantastic date with Kay. I was going to flake on this man because the words of another destroyed me. I was going to close up because I couldn’t take any more humiliation. I must say not listening to my inner thoughts worked this past weekend.

I was told he wasn’t in love with me at one point during our relationship and questioned if I had some female’s shirt. Who does that shit? They guy who unintentionally breaks me down. The guy who I thought was going to be my eternity. They guy who doesn’t see a future with me. After I cried my entire brain out I showered and press the restart button.

Kay is sweet. He’s the total opposite of what I’m attracted to. Kay didn’t make me feel belittled. Kay made me laugh. It was refreshing to know that someone wants to get to know me with no strings attached. He’s cool. Is he the end all be all? No. He might be if I don’t shut down and open him up. However, how can I do that when the ex stays in my system? All I can do is try. What harm will that do me?

I’ll never love a man more than he loves me. I’ll never jump over the fence and to the moon for a man who won’t appreciate it. Timing is everything. If I’m an option then I can’t be with you. If you’re confused as to whether we should be together then I can’t be with you. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I hoped for something I knew was out of reach.

I’ll try something different for a while. Being nice doesn’t work.

Death Is No Laughing Matter, But This Is.

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I started writing a book of some sort?!? I’m not sure what to call it. It’s like a memoir/ non-fiction guide book for funerals. LMAO Who does that? I guess my sick ass does. I have been to so many funerals in my 25 years of living. I vowed in 2011 I wouldn’t go to anymore. Then my mom died in 2012 and when my dad dies then I guess I’ll have to go to that one. However, I can’t go to anymore relative/non-relative funerals. Shit gets real at funerals. I’ve decided to come up with a few rules. I’ll probably post more within the next few months, but so far this is what I have.

NEVER RIDE IN THE LIMO

That damn limo ride. It might be worse than the actual service. Its like a big family confessional. Sex, lies, and all kinds of stories have been told inside the “family limo”. If you want to find something out then ride in the limo! You might be pleasantly surprised or pissed off.

The last time I was suppose to ride in the family limo I couldn’t. My brother and cousin had to bring their son’s and with that came car seats. Which meant my sister and I wouldn’t be able to ride because the runts and their runt seats took ours! Luckily my sister drover so we rode together.

Well, some idiot didn’t confirm with the drivers for a drop off to out family house after the festivities. So you can guess what happened next! All those people in the limo got dropped off at the church, ride-less. Talk about comedy, I was rolling, but the kicker was on the way to the burial site someone got kicked out of the limo because they tried to smoke some weed. WTF you F***ing idiot! This is why I say humor is all around us, especially during funerals.

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say, Sit in the Last Pew

I will never forget the time my mother, sister, cousin, and I almost got kicked out the service. Why? Because my lovely mother was walking a load of mess with her two minions co-signing. Just imagine hearing “Yeah Yeah, he was mean as hell.” “ Nobody really liked him” “ Hmm DNA tests can prove you wrong” Talking about laughing my ass off. I must’ve hushed, laughed, fell, and cried from the humor. Now some of the things she was saying were true, but the rest were on called for. On top of that the professional mourner of the mortuary kept looking back at us and asking us to shush. She didn’t even know him which gave her no right to shush us. You’re probably asking how do I know she’s a professional mourner. Did I ask her? No I asked my family who she was. We’d had a few services at this mortuary and she’s always there. Sitting in the same place, with the same fake cry. It beats prostituting. This was honestly one of the most funny funerals I’d ever attended. That wasn’t even the worst part. My male and female cousin decided to speak during the services.

My male cousin got up first. Why do we allow dumb shit to occur? We all knew he was about to say something ignorant, but we didn’t expect this. He started off saying we need to come together more often instead of when death happens. Which I somewhat agreed with. Then this fools starts saying we need to come together like tigers in the jungle. Our cubs need to play together. Because we are tigers. He kept making tiger references like the deceased was a tiger tamer or cat owner. Which he was neither of. WHOA I had no clue what kind of high he was on, but apparently we missed that flight. Bless my cousin, but he might be a little touched.

Next up was my female cousin. She said something sweet, kind, and straight to the point. Just when I was about to clap she burst into the one and only songs people know how to sing at a funeral, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye”. It was so hard for me not to cry when she made my ears bleed. I didn’t know ONE person was capable of singing bass, alto, and soprano at once. I couldn’t believe this monstrosity was taking place so I just started zoning out and staring at the plastic gnomes and deer. Yes, the mortuary has plastic gnomes and deer. It’s nice scenery, something out of Snow White. Well, when I came back from my trance the laughter from my pew continued and got louder.

Somehow between all of that nonsense the cousin sitting with us reaches in her large breasts and pulls her phone out. Not only does she answer a call, but she loudly whispers to the person what just happened. Embarrassed wasn’t and still isn’t the best word to use to describe how I felt. All you can do at that point is take part in the buffoonery. Like the title says if you have nothing nice to say, sit in the last pew or furthest away from the family.

Volun-WHAT? How Did My Name End Up in The Obituary

Have you ever sat there minding your business then open the obituary and see your name signed up for something? Okay, neither have I, but my brother has. Talk about funny, that was unremarkably funny. Not only did they volunteer my brother to be a pallbearer, but because he was late, like super late, they recruited my ex-brother-in-law. Ha that dirty monkey mouthed bastard was good for something. They gave him the white gloves and even had him sit closer to the front. When my slow poke brother finally did and we showed him his name, he hollered. I think people assumed it was out of grief, UH NO!
For some strange reason, people might not make it to do their part during the service like read the eulogy or sing. Its rare, but I’ve seen it happen twice. So then it’s the volunteers. Here’s my thing:
A. If you can’t read don’t volunteer.
B. If you can’t sing don’t volunteer.
C. Don’t let other members volunteer you.
Singing off key is automatic entry into my highlight reel. Mispronouncing simple words or worse the persons name is automatic entry into my highlight reel. Reading is fundamental. If necessary pre-read the eulogy before you stand, speak, and make a fool of yourself.

-Mary Joseph Jr.

The Dating Game

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It’s hard out here for a single lady. This is what I deal with:

He asked me for my number. I replied with my real one. The conversation was via text all the time. He didn’t peak my interest. NO SIR

He said my smile was beautiful. I blushed. We exchanged numbers. He called me during the day. He always called during the day. He’s becoming a bug-a-boo. “Where do you work?” I asked. He said he doesn’t. I’LL PASS

“I have a kid”. NO THANK YOU. I WORK WITH TROUBLED TEENS I’M NOT UP FOR DEALING WITH YOUR BABY MAMA, CHILD SUPPORT CASE, OR DEVILISH CHILD.

“I’m looking for sex, you down?” HELL NO Chlamydia, HIV, Gonorrhea, and all other STD’s exist. AND DON’T YOU HAVE A BUMP ON YOUR LIP? #HERPESISREAL

He asked when I’d have free time again. I told him Saturdays and Sundays. He set the date. This would be our second date. I never showed up. MY BAD =( YOU SHAVE YOUR ARMS AND MANICURE YOUR EYEBROWS. I THINK YOU SUCK PENIS ON A REGULAR AND COULD BE ON THE DOWN LOW

So tell me a little more about yourself. THE FREAK YOU WANT TO KNOW? ASK A SPECIFIC QUESTION JACKASS.

They all ask why I’m single. I TELL THEM MY EX WAS A CHEATER AND DIDN’T WANT TO PROGRESS WITH ME.

“You don’t know who this is?” NO. I DELETED YOUR NUMBER HELLA LONG AGO. I DON’T SAVE BULLSHITTERS IN MY PHONE.

“Can you send me a pic?” NA FOOL IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU DON’T HAVE PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. PLUS MY HAIR MIGHT NOT BE THE SAME YOU DON’T GET THAT PRIVILEGE OF KNOWING MY HAIR LIFE YET.

This dating game is draining. I can’t lie I’ve been entertained these past couple months. No one is what I need. At least I’m learning that much. Until Mr.Forever comes along I’m just going to go with the flow. Hopefully, I can find another Mr. Right Now by my birthday.

Mary Joseph Jr.

Forget-Me-Not

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Most of my blogs are about what I need to do, well let me tell you what I’m actually doing. I am in the process of celebrating my mother’s life. It has taken some time to deal with her passing. It’s even been times when I even forget her existence. Sounds crazy huh? How can I forget about my own mother? Easy, life has to continue. Death doesn’t stop the world from turning. Death only stops your world for turning for a limited amount of time.

She passed away from a liver disease that was genetically passed on to me. I have many challenges ahead. I saw the damage it can do it me. I saw the way it crept up and took her out in less than a week. I want to change the world’s thoughts on this particular disease. I am the change.

My goal is to host a yearly event and donate funds to the American Liver Foundation. I have a few things set up; I’m just waiting on a confirmation from a venue. Once that’s in plan then I’ll be able to honor her. I won’t forget her.

I can’t lie it hurts seeing my friends with their mothers. It pains me to talk to someone else as if their my mother. It’s such a disgrace that I forgot about the woman who carried me for 9 months and raised me 24 years. If I don’t get this event planned for 2014 I’m afraid I’ll continue to forget her. I’ll lose every memory I had. I can’t forget her.

I miss you
Mary Joseph Jr

I choose me: Can I learn the ways of Whoring?

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I want more. I want more. I really need more!!! I deserve more. FUCK THAT JOB! ha FUCK THAT DUDE! ha FUCK THE POLICE?! na I’m actually okay with OPD! So, with that being said I am turning over a new leaf. Yes, the time has come. I want my novel released. I want to be on the radio. I want to learn the ways of whoring.

I’m in my mid-twenties and have yet to live life. Why? Because I’m not a whore. Whores have it all including an exceptionally wide set vagina. That I don’t want! I’m going to change it all. Usually when I need a change I do drastic things to my hair. This time I’m doing a 180 on my life. I’m going to be working out so I can lose some of this chunk o fat off my body and possibly gain a nice ass. Not to be a whore, but to have the shape of a whore. A nice hour glass figure. lol That’s what they’re known for right?

I see all these people: bloggers,therapists, shit even hairstylists just LIVING my dream. Yeah my perception and reality might be a little skewed. Honestly, I’m doing better than I was last year, but I haven’t reached my full potential. I’m making my way there. This bachelorette should be writing about diving into blue seas in Anguilla or checking out New York Fashion Week. Not about the bullshit pay from the bullshit job that definitely is feeding my soul, but not my pocketbook. Whores don’t have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck and they travel often. I don’t think whores have any worries.

If I were more sinful would better things come my way? If I were a sex icon would things just fall into my lap? Who’s balls need a licking in order for me to not worry about finances? Okay I’m not KimK or other K-ian who will suck em dry for a come up. I work hard for everything I got. I know my time is coming. I fucking feel it. Maybe I don’t want to learn the ways of whoring, but I do want to know why some people just get it so frickin easy?

In an hour I’ll be making my way to the place that barely pays my bills. Will today be the day I quit? NOPE! Will today be the day I become someone’s MRS.? NOPE =( Today is the day I realized I’m over it! BS from men, my job, family, friends. #OVERit I’m single, 25, ready to become HER! Love is overrated & jobs are pointless.

Time for my next move.
Mary Joseph Jr.

Break The Cycle

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He told me he only knew to touch his sister like that because his uncle touched him like that. I work with children who have experienced hell. I’m so numb to the issues the kids have now. How in the world can you became a “normal” or sane adult with these unresolved issues one has experienced as a child?

This job has and will always change my life. I can pinpoint a foster child a mile away. I can probably guess their story accurately about 85% of the time. Not all have come from terrible situations, but most have. The stories I’ve heard from these kids are mind shattering, life altering, and make me so thankful for my parents.

I’m afraid of our future leaders. The traditional family is broken because it does take 2 parents to raise a child. It takes loving people to raise a child. Not someone who tried to trap their significant other by becoming pregnant. Not someone who’s idea of love is torture. The idea of raising children with morals and values isn’t deflated, but it’s slowly getting there.

I want every child I interact with and counsel to break that cycle. Don’t become a part of the continued problem. Please become the solution. Seek help, talk about your problems, earn your degree, get a stable career, create the family you’ve always dreampt of. Don’t continue the evil sins that were bestowed upon you as a child.

Love versus Insanity

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They say love and insanity are somewhat related


Insanity:Extreme foolishness or irrationality.


Love:(n)An intense feeling of deep affection.(v)Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -Albert Einstein

Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can’t even think straight.

Am I really expecting different results from love? Or am I just so numb to the shit I don’t care anymore. Maybe I don’t know how to give HIM up. Maybe I’m afraid he’ll do the same. he wants only me. HE wants to remain in each others lives. he doesn’t know me. HE knows everything. he might not accept my faults and disease. HE has. I like him. I love HIM.

Currently I’m having a battle with my past, present, and future. I saw love in your eyes this morning. I melted. I felt hatred an hour later. If you only read this and God forbid we never talk again. I will always love you. I will always want you to be in my life. I want to start my family with you. However, my insane love for you needs to be cured. The magnetic attraction we have is hard to replace. Is it because I don’t want to and neither do you.

At this age why must we still play ring around the relationship? Without a ring or relationship?!?@ If i give him a try and he hurts me I may become a lesbian. FUCK this shit.

does love not love me? or am I simply feeling insanity.?
MaryJosephJr

From Sloring to “I Do”

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Every slore (whore/slut) I know is now getting married. WTF?!@! Seriously if I start sloring around will I meet my husband? I’ve never been the type to fuck a bunch of guys or date many men at the same time. HOEever the trend is becoming apparent if you ho it up ho it up then Mr. Right will ring it up.

I don’t know the number of penis’ I must encounter before the husband to be will appear, but I’m assuming between 10-25. I knew some ho’s! Fucking for burger ho’s. I’m just pretty envious that these slores have what I want. I don’t want to date hella men. I don’t want to have that awkward conversation to confirm if we are together or not. I just want my damn husband. So, if SLORING it up is what I must do, then…. I’m not stooping that low.

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?!?! If I remove all my standards then I’ll attract an ain’t shit dude. Even though the slores who are now MRS. Ex-Slore have met some real good guys. I can’t take that chance. I usually get my ass whooped by Karma. I’d be the one who ends up with the HIV+ guy who ends up having 2 kids outside of our marriage. NO THANKS.

I was one of those little girls who always dreamed of being married. Not the wedding, but the actual commitment. I’d be perfectly okay getting married at city hall with a Nordstrom Rack dress on as long as we loved each other. I know many women who just dream of wearing the white dress and celebrating her nuptials in front of friends and family. Yea, that’s cool and all, but I want my mate. I want my life partner, father of my kids, provider of my household.

The older I get the more I see that dream diminishing. Am I worthy of being married? Can I give my all to someone? Will I ever meet him? Shit should I switch teams since Prop 8 passed? Na I can’t see myself taking it that far. I love my gays and lesbians, but I’m not dealing with someone gets a period every month like me. What I do know is I actually prefer commitment.

The single life has been pretty cool. I’ve met some interesting men to say the least. I haven’t slored it up which maybe I should have. It’s just not really in me. I want to cook breakfast for my man and have dinner waiting on him. I want to go 9 months carrying his seed inside me. I want to travel with him. I guess I’m just a traditionalist.

Whoever I’m suppose to be with it won’t be because I’ve slored it up. He’ll get me when the time is right. When I’m RIPE for picking, not bruised and banged up from slutting. At this point in my life I could be thinking about other things such as my education or job. Ya know what? I’m pretty content in both aspect. Yes, I hate my job but I’m employed with BENEFITS. Yes, its gonna take me 321 years to get my degree but I’m on the right path!! I just want my package complete.

Mary Joseph Jr.